Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
