Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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