Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize