A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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