My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
