i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
