Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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