this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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