I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
