You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I enjoy the company of your penis
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
