What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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