What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
