I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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