Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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