I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
