I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
