last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
