Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
