It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
