i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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