Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm getting married
To pizza
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
