shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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