i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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