I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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