I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
