"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
