new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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