I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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