That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
