Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
someone owes me an orgasm
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
