ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
