i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
