Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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