ugly people sure do ruin things
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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