Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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