Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
