Cold hands, warm shart.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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