i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
