dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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