Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
