You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize