i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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