Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
