In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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