She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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