I think im going to throw up on grandma
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize