There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize