Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
