Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
