plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
