i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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