Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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