Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
