If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
