It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
