so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
