i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
